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dominoes by lorde. a reflection at 18. phases and stages of life.

The process that I went through after she ended things with me went against everything I hate about the idea of winning and losing a break up. I don’t understand why you would want to belittle someone who you care deeply about, moreover someone that made you grow. It is contradictory. And stupid.  Yet, I realized that subconsciously I was doing things that I wouldn’t normally do to either make myself feel more fulfilled as a person or to demonstrate that I was more emotionally okay and therefore less dependent on her (and trying to show her indirectly). I was not. She made me feel fulfilled, she made me emotionally vulnerable (in a good way), and I was very much appreciative of her being there for me always. But I think that this goes back to my earlier comments about us not knowing how to show affection to people we like and in turn, treat them poorly because we are too afraid to be honest with ourselves and vulnerable to them. After we stopped talking, I went through a few phases in
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seeing her for the first time again (and actually talking)

I don't understand how I'm feeling. Usually I would turn to her to talk through my emotions but for obvious reasons, I cannot.  I was shaking. I told that to my friend before we saw her; I didn't want to make her uncomfortable - my friend assured me that she didn't hate me - how I was nervous about seeing her for the first time - my friend assured me that she was nervous too.  I feel like she was excited for me, or I least I hope she was. She was smiling. I was smiling too. What I feel and how I felt is and was a feeling that I've been wanting for a while: a combination of closure but also a new beginning. We are essentially exploring a new realm of our relationship: not dating, not being strangers, not being friends, but something in between. And I feel that every time I feel something new because of her, I get excited (except when it is a sad feeling of course). I didn't pay too much attention to her facial expressions because I was too nervous. So the only wa
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ghost town by kanye west. a reflection at 18.

As an 18 year old, my understanding of love, relationships and life as a whole is based on experiences where people have little to no experience. I don't know what to do. They don't know what to do. This is exciting; exploring new emotions with someone you care about allows you to better understand them (both the emotions and the person).  Through my process of loving and learning, I've found comfort in listening to the experiences of artists I hold close to my identity, searching and exploring similarities of our emotions. Most recently, I've found this comfort while listening to Kanye West's Ghost Town  as I hear a story of both joy and regret: wishing things could last longer but glad they lasted as long as they did. And although prehaps Kanye's intention of this song was to express his sentiments towards himself, there were two lyrics in the song that I felt related especially to my most recent relationship that recently ended.  We're still the kids we u
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