dominoes by lorde. a reflection at 18. phases and stages of life.

The process that I went through after she ended things with me went against everything I hate about the idea of winning and losing a break up. I don’t understand why you would want to belittle someone who you care deeply about, moreover someone that made you grow. It is contradictory. And stupid. 

Yet, I realized that subconsciously I was doing things that I wouldn’t normally do to either make myself feel more fulfilled as a person or to demonstrate that I was more emotionally okay and therefore less dependent on her (and trying to show her indirectly). I was not. She made me feel fulfilled, she made me emotionally vulnerable (in a good way), and I was very much appreciative of her being there for me always. But I think that this goes back to my earlier comments about us not knowing how to show affection to people we like and in turn, treat them poorly because we are too afraid to be honest with ourselves and vulnerable to them.

After we stopped talking, I went through a few phases in my life. Some good, some bad, all somewhat subconscious and all of them to show myself that even though I wanted her, I didn’t need her, and that it was her loss for ending things. I dislike that I was thinking that way because I’ve later come to understand that ending things was the best thing, but that’s something else. I painted, went on daily walks to watch the sunset at a particular park, invested myself into business ideas, modeled, and plenty of other things to try and show that despite not having her, I was doing great. Some of these things have turned into good habits and things that I hope to continue for the rest of my life: become dedicated to business ideas, appreciate the sunset, try and become a model, but I’m somewhat ashamed that they stemmed from a bad place. 

I was always trying to see how she was doing too. What she looked like, if she was smiling, if she was having fun, without me. Through various means of Instagram, chatting with friends, and everything in between, I wanted to see if it had affected her the way it had deep down affected me. And what hurt is that she seemed okay. And I’m sure that I gave off that impression too. Even though in reality I was not. And although I wouldn’t wish that she was as hurt as me, I hope that she was at least thinking about it and about me. 

Lorde’s alum Solar Power came out shortly after we stopped talking. It would have been another thing we bonded over, sharing moments we enjoyed with one another, and integrating Lorde’s story with the story of our relationship. Yet instead, I wrote a list of timestamps from the album that I thought she would enjoy in my Notes app. Yet instead, I saw her add songs that I wasn’t fond of on the first listen to her playlist, only to relisten to them and like them. Yet instead, I understood and related more to the sad parts of Lorde’s story more than the happy ones, one of which is Dominoes. 

I realize that this reflection is all over the place, but I hope that my inspiration to write it at least makes sense: I went through phases to show her I was okay, Dominoes talks about seeing an ex going through phases and sees right through them, I though the two were similar and I wanted to just think about that and how I may have portrayed a similar image. 

I heard that you were doing yoga

…

Now you're watering all the flowers

You planted with your new girlfriend

I like Lorde’s use of the word “heard” in this verse because I think it is exactly what I was trying to do: listen and look for any sign of her emotional state after we split up. I couldn’t directly ask someone how she was doing. I find that Yoga is similar to my painting phase where it shows initiative to grow things that you can do by yourself. I know that I would be impressed if she did anything like that just because of the fact that she is making efforts to improve herself, which takes courage and determination. 

The line about the new girlfriend is also something that stung when I first heard it. My biggest insecurity during our relationship was the unknown of her previous relationships. This is something that I put on myself and is no way her fault. But I think the idea of someone moving on so quickly after you is a sad one. Not something that I know that she did, but something I thought and think about. The if and when did she get over me. The if and when did she like this other person. I speculated a few things which probably wasn’t healthy nor fair to her in any way, but each time I talked about it with someone, I always played it off as if it was okay; as if I was okay. Each time I heard how close she and another boy were, I felt sad, not hurt, but sad. When you see someone who doesn’t share your same level of affection, you can feel sad. From my understanding, she hasn’t been with anyone since me. But I think that this paragraph alone can regress our relationship if she were to read and find it because my speculation was selfish and not fair to her as someone who can do whatever they want. So, I’m sorry. 

Just another phase you're rushing on through

I think this line speaks to the idea of trying to demonstrate to yourself and indirectly to them that you are okay through a constant cycle of new aspects of your identity, moving through them quickly to build a foundation of identity sooner than later. Being able to move on from one phase to another suggests that you have explored the entirety of that phase, or are at least good enough at it where you can divert your attention somewhere else while still succeeding at the initial task. But perhaps it also suggests some type of loss of identity, where you don’t know who you are without that person and are therefore trying to regain your independence and find your place in a place where they aren’t. Maybe it is a mix of the two. Your identity gives you security. She was a big part of my identity for a while. She left, my identity had to compensate and did so by finding tasks that were new. But I was lost. 

It's strange to see you smoking marijuana

You used to do the most cocaine

Of anyone I'd ever met

Did I restrict or interfere with her exploring who she was? Did I cause her to behave differently? Did she change because of something I did? For me, this verse speaks to the longer impacts of a relationship: the good, the bad, and the neutral. I don’t know if she does anything differently because I don’t know what she does anymore; does this mean I also don’t know who she is? I see her going to more parties than she did during the summer. I see her posting on Instagram more than she used to. I see her listening to music I didn’t know that she liked. That’s the unknown for me. Why? 

I know she has influenced. She’s only changed me in a positive way: I am patient, I pay more attention to and am more appreciative of people and things, I think about my emotions. Quantitatively, a list of three things feels kind of small. I could of course list other things that she has taught me. But qualitatively speaking, these three things changed who I am completely. I am not the same person now. Yes, she influenced things that I do physically like walk to sunset, take photos, listen to song lyrics more deeply but I think those are all fundamentally linked to things in my brain: photos, songs, sunset are the applications of a new mindset that she gave me. Phases are things that we dedicate a lot to within a short period of time because we have the liberty to; they are temporary changes to our lives and may be meaningful in the moment, but don’t last. HWe don’t have the substance to maintain them. Stages are people and time that change you forever, things that you try that slowly become habits. She was not a phase but a stage. I don’t know if she’ll ever know that because we don’t share. She may never know how much she changed me. And maybe that goes two ways. Maybe I helped her feel better about herself. But I don’t know how I would know that.