seeing her for the first time again (and actually talking)

I don't understand how I'm feeling. Usually I would turn to her to talk through my emotions but for obvious reasons, I cannot. 

I was shaking. I told that to my friend before we saw her; I didn't want to make her uncomfortable - my friend assured me that she didn't hate me - how I was nervous about seeing her for the first time - my friend assured me that she was nervous too. 

I feel like she was excited for me, or I least I hope she was. She was smiling. I was smiling too. What I feel and how I felt is and was a feeling that I've been wanting for a while: a combination of closure but also a new beginning. We are essentially exploring a new realm of our relationship: not dating, not being strangers, not being friends, but something in between. And I feel that every time I feel something new because of her, I get excited (except when it is a sad feeling of course).

I didn't pay too much attention to her facial expressions because I was too nervous. So the only way I could evaluate how she was feeling was through what she said and how she said it. But she was pretty. I don't know what else to say. I'm still going through these emotions. 

I think that overall, the interaction gave me hope. I didn't want the relationship to end and even though my feelings for her aren't in the same place as they were, they still exist, and I can't imagine they would be that hard to get back if we wanted to try again. I hope she feels the same way. But I feel hopeful not only for a relationship with her but also for a friendship. I want to slowly start building something with her again, get back to what I enjoyed most about our relationship: listening and learning about her and myself, being more comfortable with expressing emotion, just being there with her whenever I wanted. I just want to be around her again, and this made me hopeful of that, whatever the capacity of our relationship is. I just miss her. 

I'm glad I saw her because I'm leaving to Paris for three months and I knew that I wouldn't be able to see her or talk to her while I was there if I didn't see her before; if there wasn't some type of initiation to restarting a relationship with her. Now I feel as if I could say happy birthday to her. Wish her that college applications are going well. Send her photos every once in a while of pretty things that I see or things that remind me of her. I don't know if she'll appreciate that or feel uncomfortable but I hope she won't. And I don't know how I can gauge if she'll like it or not. I'm afraid that if I send those things, she'll just heart my message, or say thanks, or send the bare minimum as a courtesy response, or not say anything at all. I'm afraid that the hope I have now is false. That things really did end when she said they did. But for the moment, I am happy.